When skinny isn't enough

The times when;
I actaully liked wearing tight clothes and felt good in them.
I didn't have to worry about what I was eating or drinking.
I didn't compare my body image to other peoples.
Never even thought of  a calorie once.




Really considering trying the 2468 diet.
The only part that would prob. screw me up is the 2.
But I know I can do this.

Screw this. I'm doing it.
What is food anyways? It just makes me fat and disgusted and I hate it.


I will update you on how i'm doing.
You girls give me strength to stay on these kinds of diet.
Because if i mess up I think of oh geez they prob. think I don't have any will power and i'm going to be a fatty for the rest of my life. We just all gotta stick together.



    


                                                                        Skinny is all I wanna be.
                                                                            Skinny is all I see.
                                               When I think of being skinny that's all I really need.
                                             I will go to extream measures to achieve this dream!!

 <strong>.*Eating Disorder Survey*.</strong>

General
Age?: 16
Height?: 5'3"
Weight?: yeah because i'm going to post it for the world to see.
Lowest Weight?: 120
Highest Weight?: IDT SO
What weight do you want to weigh?: 103
What eating disorder do you have?: I think I may be bulmic

In Depth
How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?: If i'm having a skinny day no more than 300. Fat day no more than 1200? If i have my peroid you better forget about it, off the charts. I have the worst high calorie cravings
Do you throw up your food on occasion?: yes
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?: yes
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?: of course
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?: no
Have you ever fasted?  If so, for how long?: 3 days. Goal:5
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?: that's bad.
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?: uh huh
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?: no
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?: no
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?: I told myself I was done. But it just came back.

Body Image Q's
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?: yes
What part of your body would you change?: stomach, arms, thighs, face (cheeks)
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?: 3
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?:
Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed?: no. But  i've been depressed.
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?: I compare my body to everyones

Health/Food
Do you think you eat healthy enough?: no
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?: no
Fat grams?: no
Calories?: at times
Are you often tired/fatigued?: yea
Do you feel more energised after eating food?: no
Do  you eat meat?: yes
Do you eat your food in a certain way? ie cut it up into small pieces, etc.: yes
Do people tell you you look sick or famished?: no
Have you ever thrown up blood?: no
Is your heart bpm above 49?: sure
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?: no

Other Stuff
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?: no
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?: whatever
Do you have any other mental disorders? ie Bipolar, BDD, etc.: hah no. I have OCD if that counts.
What's your favourite food to eat?: pizza<---weakness
Favourite drink?: wata
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?: yes
Do you want to recover?: ..........

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How about I vomited  two times yesterday. Two times today.
---Now i'm done. Forever.
I went to cheer @ the game and my teeth honestly equaled death.
They hurt so badly. I told my friends about it.
They all said omg your teeth are so white and pretty nothing is wrong with them.
pssh shows how much they know....
I was like trust me its bad. They  look nice and all but they are horrible. hah.
Then a friend of mine said well maybe its acid.
DUH I  KNOW!
But of course i'm not going to say it!


YESTERDAY!
I was so tempted to tell  my mom about maybe possibly having an ED.
But I didn't.

I have this friend who weighs 122. Which is like wayyy smaller than me.  And yet wears the same size pants, it's weird. And here is the funny part she thinks i'm skinny!!! Yesterday she asked me how come I never eat.
I swear they are all dumb. Okay think about this; I never eat infront of my friends and yet i'm fat! If i would never eat I would by skinny<3

When I  do eat I vomit.
WHY?!
-Guilt
-Depressed
-Anger

I think every mia would rather have ana. I know I would.
I just need something to really screw up my mind. So i wont ever think twice about eating.


PATHETIC.
I waste all my time on...well...simply being fat.
When  i'm older I'm gonna be like wth? Why did you do such a stupid thing?




Don't worry girls.
I still got faith in myself.
I know I will be skinny soon, very soon.
We just have to stick together.

I haven't been posting because I just don't know what to do anymore.

This whole how to lose weight thing is so  confusing.

I don't have anyone to talk to, no one understands. I actaully quit telling my mom about it 24/7 I honestly told her about diets and what not everyday! So i  started telling my friends more. But it just gets on everyones nerves. You know they don't even  have to listen they could just act like it.

I could be having the time of my life but the only thing in my way is all this fat. I hate it!!!

I heard if you don't eat once you eat you stomach will expand =(
but i know it'll work so why  is my heading killing me telling me the wrong things???

So i'm not too sure if i should not eat. Because my minding is acting so retarted.

I also don't know if i should just eat dinner. I might possibly overeat. But why?

I havent been throwing up because my stomach has been hurting on the side and I think it may be because of vomiting. It's always so tempting though.


I'm sorry I know I always come here to complain or cry but I need to put my feeling down somewhere. and I don't have a diary though I so desperatley need one.

Maybe I'm a fake. I'm always smiling and laughing but really when i'm alone i'm depressed and just wan't to hide forever.


I'm just so lost and confused.
and ugh....i hate being fat!

i'd rather be dead than go throguh all this hell.

I don't know how much more I can take.
Vomit=AGAIN!
My throat hurts so badly.
I'm killing myself  very  slowly.

My life is great!
But it would be so amazing if i was skinny.


Like how did i get stuck with mia?
I would give anything to have ana.

well I'm gonna go clean
and then exercise.

Not eating works, right?
I mean it has too